I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
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Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
🤣
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.