Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training