@NicCageMatch

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

You Might Also Like

@bourgeoisalien

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

@SCbchbum

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

@runawaycupcake

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

@calluptome

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

@jonnysun

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

@lovemydogduck

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

@Serious_Law_Guy

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

@MaverickGames

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

@LeahPeah4

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

@batkaren

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.