Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

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No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.


Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.


Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.


Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.


TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying


I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”


Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.


Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.


From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,


The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.