“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
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Sometimes? I’m slipping
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
The Weeknd is back
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.