Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Actually cracking up @ this
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what