Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
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Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
There’s always that one guy
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best