I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
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Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both