my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
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Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate