Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
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Spotted in New Orleans.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Every haunted house movie:
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician