Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 馃珷.
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9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I鈥檓 hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don鈥檛 notice me because I don鈥檛 want to share.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls saut茅e pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I don鈥檛 think this app is working properly, I鈥檓 like barely getting any matches.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I鈥檓 always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*