Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
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Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
When you let grandma cat sit
This is me 🤣🤣
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
subtitles are so good nowadays
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.