All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
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wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
A short story of betrayal:
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Sell your car
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm