Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
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The three genders
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Scream sneezers need love too.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.