knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
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Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”