grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
british sex workers really pound for pound
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
For the ones in the back.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef