@flinnie

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

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@nigelgodwin

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

@KalvinMacleod

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

@AnotherFunnyGuy

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

@JennyPentland

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

@Erin1137

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

@Writepop

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

@Swishergirl24

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

@tastefactory

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

@LizHackett

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”