What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
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The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me