“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
You Might Also Like
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
For the baby who has everything
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING