@BlindVigil

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

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@DothTheDoth

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

@CountDankulaTV

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

@MrFornicator

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

@Shade510

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

@MelvinofYork

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

@OhhhLuiss

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

@AbbyHasIssues

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

@michelleDbelle

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

@fro_vo

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*