“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

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If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.


The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?


Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.


Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.


Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.


Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.


The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.


I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.


FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*