5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
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HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.