There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
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Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
what kind of cook setting is this??
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs