what kind of cook setting is this??
![]()
You Might Also Like
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
We’ve all been there…
![]()
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong