Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
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911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!