Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
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Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”