Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
![]()
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.