oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
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Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction