Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
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I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
anyone else like Italian cereal
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”