Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

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No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.


timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge


*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work


Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?


Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!


If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.


As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.


WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there


When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.