Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
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“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.