@daniel_shaw

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

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@DothTheDoth

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

@UncleDuke1969

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

@abi4205

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

@EdgarPoop1

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

@slimmy_shady

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

@Jarhead44

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

@daemonic3

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

@ArfMeasures

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

@007Pepe_Rex

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.