Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
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Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
inside you are two wolves
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”