Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
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How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
What is going on? 😅
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.