A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
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My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
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What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
No regrets in 2018
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Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.