Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
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Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
when someone rings the doorbell
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond