One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
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Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.