How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
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My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I did not eat the cake…
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.