If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
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This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
My whole life was a lie.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Genius idea!!
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”