Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers