Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
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her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
won’t smith
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.