[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
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Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!