Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
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Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.