Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
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“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
An odd boast
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”