New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
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Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.