One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
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Diabetes was the God of sugar.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale