6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
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I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.