They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
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What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.