They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
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Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Not my job 😂
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.