actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.