@XplodingUnicorn

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

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@WheelTod

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

@Playing_Dad

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

@NotThatKevin

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

@minkpinkustink

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

@BuckyIsotope

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

@iwearaonesie

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

@5hael

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

@isaidwhat_

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

@sensual_dad

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

@Donna_McCoy

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.