My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

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My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.


My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.


At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.


I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene


Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.


*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink


All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream


Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?


I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.


If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.