My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
You Might Also Like
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.