I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
You Might Also Like
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches