My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
*puts words between two asterisks*
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.