Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
You Might Also Like
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
do horses think humans are hats
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
j o i m p
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever