I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
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Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Looking at you, Jesus.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
RT if you could go either way.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots