Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
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Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.