Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
You Might Also Like
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.