When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
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Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky