Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
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Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
We’ve come full circle
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Boom, boom, ching!
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.